Confirming our worst fears earlier today, officials at the Center for Disease Control have announced that research shows a direct correlation between time spent listening to Hardwell, and contracting Earbola.
I don’t know what it is, I listened to 15 minutes of Hardwell and had a headache…next thing I know I’m vomiting uncontrollably.
– 1st Suspected Victim of Earbola (Name Withheld)
The above quote taken from the report shows just how serious of a problem this can become. With so many people addicted to the same generic progressive-house songs, Earbola has the potential to become a full-blown worldwide pandemic. When New York Mayor Bill de Blasio was asked about the cities’ plan for the upcoming I Am Hardwell stop on 11/15, he had this bleak outlook to share with us:
We’re all screwed. It all sounds the same, it’s so difficult to diagnose what’s Hardwell and what’s not.
And followed that up with a word of advice:
Stock up on food and avoid leaving the house on the 14th-16th. Avoid any contact with persons suspected of listening to Hardwell within the past 20 days.
Of course we need to look out for each other, but we first and foremost need to look out for ourselves. If you think that you might’ve played “Young Again” as a joke to your friends anytime within the last month, you’re urged to step forward and seek medical help while it can still be treated. Nobody is safe from this, as with his own weekly radio mix Hardwell On Air, the risk for cross-country contamination has reached unprecedented levels.
It’s in times like these that we can never be too safe. Be proactive and send loved ones Bassnectar mixtapes, or even a Deadmau5 4×4=12 album. Something that shows you care about their well-being. All types of creative music can help, and with small acts of preventative measures we can nip Earbola in the butt before it becomes too late.
Disclaimer: The article above was created completely in humor and satire and does not completely reflect true events. It isn’t WhiteRaverRafting’s intentions to harm any of the parties mentioned above.
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