So today, The Guardian posted this hilarious article in which Chromeo answered fan-questions about love, relationships, and sex (but mostly sex). With the huge success of their sexy and soulful singles, “Jealous (I Ain’t With It)” and “Sexy Socialite”, and their debut album White Women to be released on May 12th; where else would you go to get your awkward Birds & Bees questions answered?
Enjoy the hilariousness below, and don’t forget “It’s more enjoyable to live life as a lovefool than as a cynical heartbreaker.”
Since we got Netflix, all I want to is binge-watch watch House Of Cards or Arrested Development or old Nicolas Cage films rather than make sweet love to my girlfriend. How can I rid myself of this laptop-based addiction and regain my sexual appetite?
I have had that problem. I think that that what’s going to emerge in the sexual patterns of society is that people have sex after the season is over. I really don’t think that there’s anything we can do. Sex is going to be regarded as something that happens once Homeland is done.
What do you find is the best way to get people to connect for more than 1.5 seconds on Chat Roulette?
A good way would be to get really philosophical, instead of getting really kinky, so you can just be like “hey, this is just me reading Being And Nothingness.” And you know that the person who really connects with that is going to be yours for life.
I recently fell in love and am rapidly hurtling towards a state of physical being defined by some as Happy Fat – ie when you are so happy you get fat because all you can see are baby rabbits, sunshine, love hearts and rainbows. I particularly like eating cakes and chips. Have you ever experienced anything like this and if so how do you prevent it from happening?
I don’t think you should prevent it, I think you should embrace it. It should be noted that every time we go to London we get “happy fat”, because for the three weeks all we eat is pickled onion Monster Munch, and Naan bread. If you’re in love anyway, the person won’t really care if you’ve gained a few pounds. I think happy fat is sexy.
Dear Chromeo, a super-hot guy I know is finally single but was in his last relationship for like three years. How soon is too soon to make him my tenderoni, and not just be his short-term rebound girl?
You have to do a psychological assessment of the guy, and see how vulnerable he is. And if he’s vulnerable and still hurt, that’s when you prey on him. Like a tiger on a piece of dead meat. He will project all his pain, and all of his sense of emptiness onto you and he’ll never let you go.
Has anyone ever offended you in the bedroom? And if so, what did they do?
Yes. The time she wanted to watch Michael Jackson videos and brought in a bunch of bananas. I got a little bit confused and I left. I just left.
How do you feel about strangulation? Alright? Or verging on the suicidal/homicidal?
If done respectfully and consensually, alright. That’s actually the least weird question that you’ve asked. You have to do respectfully and consensually in CAPS, that’s the most important thing. That covers all bedroom antics.
Lights on or lights off?
Strobe lighting. Get a little bit of both.
Threesome? Recipe for disaster or a good way to spice things up?
I’m going to be completely honest with the British public right now, at the risk of diminishing my image and record sales (which are non-existent so they can’t be diminished): I don’t have enough experience to weigh in on that one, unfortunately.
It’s mine and my wife’s 25th wedding anniversary this weekend, but due to a reckless bulk purchase of HMV and Blockbuster shares, I am completely brassic. Could you suggest a gift that will both keep her sweet, and cost me less than £2.50?
Take whatever is in the house and cook her dinner. I think that will feel more special than anything else. On top of that, the UK went from being the place in the world with the worst food to the place in the world with the best food, so you can get one of those Ottolenghi cookbooks and just use whatever you have. That won’t cost you much, and to me is the epitome of romance. Also, given that you’re asking me this question to begin with, you obviously don’t cook for her very often, which means that she’ll be pleasantly surprised.
Hello Chromeo. How do I convince my GF that there are certain times her dog should be kept out of the bedroom? Also: any thoughts on how to dissuade the pooch from scratching at the door during sexytime?
I have that same problem. I don’t like dogs. You have to fake an allergy. You have to sneeze, you have to make your eyes red and you have to fake an asthma attack. You really have to pretend like your life’s in danger. There are people out there who are that allergic to dog hairs, so it’s going to work.
Guys, in your songs (which I assume are all based on reality) you always seem to be taking beautiful women out to glamorous parties. I’m an IT bod from Chester on a modest salary. How can I impress the ladies on a budget?
First of all, this guy hasn’t listened to our songs. We don’t take beautiful women to parties in our songs, we get mistreated by women, controlled by them, trampled by them. We’re powerless, castrated man-children in our songs. He’s confusing us with Pharrell or something. But I think the point is that by embracing your powerless, castrated manself, you’re going to make the girl laugh and entertain her way more than some rich stockbroker who can only take her to lavish parties. I mean that’s boring, that’s predictable.
When I’m out I often try to dance to impress the women, but it doesn’t seem to be working. You seem like the kind of guys who’d know your way around a dancefloor. How do I improve?
Here’s a piece of truth. In the Night By Night video it’s not me dancing, it’s a dance double. I only did the close-up scenes, which is what I’d recommend for you as well. You have to rehearse this whole routine with a dance double. Even if he’s shorter it doesn’t matter. In the Night By Night video the guy was like half my height, and we did this thing with boots and different-sized heels, and we dressed both of us up in the same outfit. There were strobes and there was dark lighting so no one could tell. To this day, by the way, I get people asking to dance with me because of that god-forsaken video. So I’d recommend implementing that in real life. You can wait by the bar and when the lights go dark you can take the girls hands and say “OK, I’m done dancing, let’s have a drink”.
What about ballroom dancing? Well, I didn’t know I was talking to an 87 year-old person. Ballroom dancing after bingo on a Friday night. In that case, this is what I would do. I would tell my girlfriend “let’s take dance lessons together.” And what you do is that you pick a style of dance where you both suck. Like the tango. Nobody can tango. Basically the playing field can be levelled between the two of you and you can both learn together, it’ll be a shared experience.
Why do fools fall in love?
It’s more enjoyable to live life as a lovefool than as a cynical heartbreaker.
H/t: The Guardian
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